A goodbye hurt so much

I was 23 when you moved away. At the time I didn't realize I was losing you. I thought we would still talk and see each other again. I thought somehow things would work out and we would find our way back to each other.

I was young and I guess I thought I had plenty of time. I didn't understand how fast people can become a memory. One day you were there and then you were gone. Not gone from the world, but gone from my life, and sometimes I think that made it harder because I knew you were still out there somewhere.

I don't remember everything about the last time I saw you. I wish I did. I wish I could remember every word we said and everything about that day. I wonder if I knew deep down that it was the last time. I wonder if I hugged you long enough. I wonder if I acted like I cared as much as I really did.

I know I didn't say enough.

I should have told you that I didn't want you to go. I should have told you how much you meant to me. I should have tried harder to figure out some way for us to stay together. Instead I acted like everything would be okay and that we would have another chance.

We didn't.


Life just kept moving. Days turned into months and months turned into years. We both went on with our lives, but I never completely stopped thinking about you. There were times when I wondered where you were, what you were doing and if you ever thought about me.

I wonder if you remember the good times like I do. I wonder if you ever think about what would have happened if you stayed. I wonder if we would have made it or if we would have eventually gone our separate ways anyway.

I know there is no way to know, but I still think about it.

Sometimes I think I lost you because you moved away, but sometimes I think I lost you because I didn't fight for you. I was 23 and didn't know what I had. I thought love would always come around again. I thought there would always be another person and another chance.

There were other relationships and life went on, but that doesn't mean you were replaced. You were a part of my life that never really had an ending. There wasn't a fight or some terrible thing that happened between us. You just moved away and slowly became someone I used to know.

I hate saying that because you never felt like just someone I used to know.

You were someone I cared about. You were someone I loved, even if I wasn't mature enough to understand how much at the time. I wish I would have told you that then instead of realizing it after there was nothing I could do about it.

I have a good life and I am thankful for it. I don't sit around wishing I could change everything. But there is still a part of me that wonders what my life would have been like if you never left.

Maybe we would have stayed together. Maybe we would have built a life. Maybe we would have gotten married and had a family. Or maybe we would have only had a few more years. I don't know.

I just know I wish we would have had the chance to find out.

I hope wherever you are that life has been good to you. I hope you found someone who loved you and wasn't afraid to tell you. I hope you found happiness and everything you were looking for when you left.

I don't know if I ever crossed your mind again, but you crossed mine more times than you will ever know.

I lost you when I was 23, and a part of me still misses the girl who moved away.